The Comparison Game
A client who has recently undergone a life-change adjustment that has led to the shedding of old friendships while she is still in the process of building new ones, sees an old friend on social media engaging in fun, new activities. This friend is busy all weekend and seemingly moves from one awesome adventure to another. Consequently, my client has felt not good enough, left behind, questioning her decision to make a change and feels destined to be lonely. What she can’t see clearly is the opportunity to make new friendships, the fun she is having, or her own courage in striking out to do a new thing and the possibilities for the future.
Another client, leaving an unhealthy relationship, looks around at family and friends who are married or in stable relationships and feels damaged, unloved and maybe even incapable of doing relationship well at all. What this client doesn’t see is the strength and courage it takes to leave something unhealthy and forge a new life, the support of friends and loved ones, the self-growth, freedom and peace gained through the process of choosing what is healthier.
Do you ever experience these feelings?
Comparison is something we learn early. Parents, schools and social media all reinforce the idea of measuring ourselves against others. But the thing about comparison is that when we do it we come out feeling prideful or as though we don’t measure up. Pride can create feelings of being better-than, judgment of others and disconnection. When we compare and find ourselves lacking, we can feel separate, down - or even depressed – which can also lead to feelings of disconnection. Most of us long for connection and to be accepted for who we are. Often we need to learn how to accept ourselves.
Here are some ideas for taking charge of comparison:
1. Discover what sets off comparison for you. Social media can be a significant trigger. Places or activities can also elicit envy or longing for something “more” or “different” than what you have / are right now. Try to identify these triggers and their negative impacts on your moods. You may need to adjust what you look at or where you go.
2. Begin to identify and shut down negative self-talk. Often we have recurring negative thoughts about ourselves. We want to learn how to catch negative self-talk mid-stream and challenge those thoughts for what is true. It is often helpful to develop a habit of positivity by keeping a written journal of blessings, talents, abilities, etc. as a means of remembering our own value and uniqueness.
3. Remember that what glitters isn’t always gold. When we see pictures or hear stories of the life of others, it is helpful to remember that most of those presentations are carefully crafted to display a version of life that is not necessarily reality. We cannot know all that goes on behind closed doors and so it is valuable to take care to not compare our insides to others outsides.
Comparison is of little help to us unless it sparks us to be better versions of ourselves. Our energies are better used in remembering that we are each wonderfully and uniquely made and are not intended to be anyone else. Learning to embrace our own strengths and differences leads to peace and satisfaction. I hope that you are on the path to embracing the fullness of who you are!
Erin Adams, LPC
If you would like to schedule an appointment or donate to the Barnabas Center for Counseling, please call our office at (912) 352-7638. If you or someone you know is having suicidal thoughts please call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1 (800) 273-8255.
