Bullying Part 2: A Step by Step Guide for Parents
As parents, we want to protect our children from anything harmful or difficult
emotionally. And prior to embarking on that journey it is often believed, I think, that it is
possible to prevent anything negative from affecting our beloved children. However, the
unfortunate reality is that we can do the best we can to minimize the trials and struggles our kids
face, but we cannot prevent every adverse event from happening to our children. All too often,
bullying is one of those events.
It is crushing to hear one day when your child comes home from school that a classmate
did or said something mean to them. The protector in you is instantly ready to pounce faster than
you ever thought possible. But WAIT! Think before springing into action. It is important to
calm down first! Taking the time to calm yourself will allow you to think clearly on how to proceed.
Once you are calm, talk to your child to get the most complete picture you can before
acting. Speaking to your child while you are calm will invite them to be open and honest about
what happened. Children take their cues from their parents, so if you are calm it will encourage
them to calm down as well. If you are married or have a partner, it is encouraged to do this
together. Working together calmly is also necessary in order to assess how the situation needs to
be handled. A one-size-fits-all solution may not apply in your particular scenario. Once you
have gotten a clear picture from your child of the situation, contact the school in a written format
such as an email requesting preferably a face-to-face meeting to discuss the issue .
Written correspondence to get the ball rolling toward a solution is important to ensure
that the situation gets addressed and is appropriately documented. It is often important to copy
on the email any relevant parties such as any teachers that work with your student, resource
teachers if appropriate, the school counselor if possible and the school administrator.
Remember, the tiger inside you is ready to fight, but presenting yourself in a calm and collected
way is often the most effective way to accomplish what you desire. School administrators will
respond more positively to your communications if you present yourself as calm and respectful
while sharing your concerns and the reasons for the meeting. Also, if your child is privy to any of
your reactions you are also modeling positive conflict resolution, which is a lesson they need to
learn well for life.
Some might think that just a phone call is sufficient in a situation like this, but as a
therapist who has worked numerous times with schools and as a parent who has an educator for a
parent, a face-to-face meeting really is superior. Face-to-face encounters put a face to a name as
well as showing the school that you mean business and are going to do what it takes to advocate
for your son or daughter. If you do not advocate for your child—who will?
Prepare for the meeting by writing out a list of desired objectives so that you remember to
address every issue. Have the list with you when attending the meeting. Read the school policy
on the disciplinary process so you are aware of how the school may handle the other student.
When the meeting starts, calmly introduce yourself and express your concerns. Allow time
(within a couple of days for serious situations and within the week for less serious) for the school
to respond before making demands of the school in order to determine what the school’s natural
response for this situation will be. Again, it is important for you to remain and appear calm and
collected. After the school has made its initial response, start working down your list of objectives.
Issues that are important to have answered as thoroughly as possible include:
What was the nature of the context of the incident?
Are the offending student and your child frequently interacting or was this more
of an isolated event?
Was there appropriate supervision during the situation?
Were any measures/discipline actions taken by the attending teacher?
Were apologies made to your student?
What are the needed adaptations moving forward to try to ensure this is less likely
to happen again?
Depending on the level of offense, make requests about the disciplinary action
you desire to see enacted. –Disciplinary actions in these kinds of situations can
range anywhere from a verbal apology, having the child’s seat moved away from
your student, the child moved to another class and/or the child suspended or even
expelled if warranted. This is where having read the school disciplinary policy
will be of use.
When the disciplinary action has been decided upon, request the school notify you to
inform you that the disciplinary action has been implemented. Inform your child of the action
being taken so that the child knows the situation was addressed. Continue to check-in with your
student especially at the beginning of the situation to assess how things are going moving
forward. Try to stay calm when discussing the situation with your child to help them be able to
have as rational a model as possible. As stated earlier, your kid is watching every move you
make and will learn from your example.
If it becomes apparent that there are still existing issues with the other student, then
repeat the process stated above until reaching a suitable solution. Needless to say, if lesser
disciplinary actions have been unsuccessful increase the pressure on the school to escalate the
disciplinary response from the school. This should be used as a last resort, but if the school is
not handling the situation appropriately, consider whether or not a letter to school board could be
fitting.
Finally, if the process has been satisfactory to you and your family, consider writing a
letter of gratitude and appreciation for the school’s efforts. You not only want to do something
such as this to thank the school for their efforts, but also to leave a good taste in their mouth
about you and how you handled the situation. Furthermore, it can be incredibly helpful for you
as a parent to continue to stay involved in your child’s school so they are aware that you are
involved and stay connected to what is going on. Your involvement can often mean the
difference in how well your child is looked after at school and how quickly significant issues get
addressed. Remember to take one calm step after another!
Suzanne Stangland MA, LPC
Barnabas Center for Counseling
If you would like to schedule an appointment or donate to the Barnabas Center please email us at
barnabascenter1@gmail.com, or call us at 912-352-7638. If you or someone you know is having
suicidal thoughts please call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline Call 1-800-273-8255.
