How to Cope with Bullying
Bullying-Part 1
Care for your Child
Unfortunately, bullying is a current reality that our kids face. Hopefully, your children will not experience this scenario, but in the event that your family is touched by this issue, here is a helpful model to follow in how to address the issue with your child. One of the most important things that I teach the parents I work with is to keep the lines of communication open with your children. This is not a position of authority, per say, but rather an attempt at making sure your child knows that you are always in their corner and a resource for them whenever it is needed. Bullying is probably one of the top issues of which a parent wants to be informed. Parents want their children to let them know if bullying happens to them. Dealing with the issue of bullying and caring for your child through it starts before bullying is ever a blip on your child’s radar. Caring for your child well in this issue, begins with whether or not you take the time to talk and listen to your child in order to know what your child is experiencing when they are and are not with you.
Getting your family in a pattern of talking is highly valuable for being able to keep the lines of communication open so if and when something such as bullying arises you already have the foundation in tact from which to start. For instance, do you know what your kid’s good day looks like? Do you know their body language and non-verbals when they have had a good day? Do you frequently check in with them and listen to what they are going through? It is much easier to recognize a buried issue that needs to be brought out if you are in tune with your child’s happy stance—so to speak. Thus, if the day comes where you need to have a discussion about the bullying that just took place you are already prepared to have that conversation with your child.
Kids need to know that their parents are interested in what happens to them on a daily basis. It is important to not only ask your children how their day was, but also how you respond to your child when you hear their answer. Make sure to respond in ways that, again, keep the lines of communication open. Be attentive to their words by making eye contact with them and leaning physically in to what they are saying. Work on responding with calm and sincere tones of voice that make the child feel warm and comforted. Distressing responses have the potential to make your kid shy away from talking to you about events that happen especially more difficult topics like bullying. Use positive communication skills such as restating what you have heard your child say as well as validating their feelings and not moving too quickly to solutions. In other words, let them know you hear them! Your non-verbals when talking to your child is important in addition to the content of what you say.
Knowing your child’s perspective on the situation is paramount because if you are going to take any kind of action you need to know as much of both sides of the story as possible. Ascertain to the best of your ability what, if any, role your child had in the situation at hand. Did they say or do something first to insight the other’s response or did it happen unprovoked? Ask your child if they did anything to handle the situation such as tell a teacher or use their words with the peer with whom they were interacting. There are numerous lessons that can be taught and learned from a bullying situation. A valuable lesson to teach children is to use their words to try to handle the situation instead of running too quickly to an adult; however, it needs to be explained that going to an adult for help is appropriate if needed as well. Remember, we want to not only empathize and listen to our children, but we want to make the most out of any teachable moments that arise. Teach your children how to solve the problem and address their own feelings about the situation in addition to helping them understand that the world is not always nice.
Children are naturally rather resilient, but aside from their natural ability it is important to give them skills that they can rely on throughout their lives. Do not underestimate the value and importance of showing your child that you have their back in tough situations such as bullying. Let them know that you will be pursing action with the school to defend and protect your child, but also challenge your child to recognize and learn how they could have handled the situation differently too—if applicable. Resist the urge to avoid addressing better choices your child could have made in an attempt to solely empathize with your child. Your child needs to learn the difficult and the more tender lessons in bullying.
Finally, process with your child where their worth comes from. As Christians, our worth comes from the good, loving and proud view from which God sees his followers. He gives us our worth! Our worth is not coming from or sustainable from purely external sources such as friends and family (although that may help); therefore, it is prudent to realize and cling to the biblical truth that we are valued simply because we are created in God’s image. We are capable of great things and have lots to offer the world around us just because God made us uniquely gifted. No matter what others may say or do to us nothing will change how our God loves us and desires us to rest assured in that. TEACH that to your children. Help them know undoubtedly their worth in Christ so nasty words and actions from others ideally can be brushed off and ignored more easily! Please understand this is not a minimization of the bullying scenario, but rather it is an effort to emphasize how a child whose identity is firmly rooted in God’s view of them can prevent numerous situations having devastating affects on them. Help your child know solidly to their core who they are as individuals so they are able to be strong in tough moments.
Suzanne Stangland MA, LPC
Barnabas Center for Counseling
If you would like to schedule an appointment or donate to the Barnabas Center please email us at barnabascenter1@gmail.com, or call us at 912-352-7638. If you or someone you know is having suicidal thoughts please call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline Call 1-800-273-8255.
