Loss

One of the hardest things one will ever have to do is to grieve the loss of a person who is still alive.

I lost my favorite pen the other day. Looked everywhere for it  and then I told myself you just have to accept it is gone, lost. And then as quickly as I lost it, I found it. Yes!! Probably a poor example, but that is not the type of loss that I want to share with you. What is loss? Is it just a feeling? Is it tangible? Can I see the loss? If not, does that mean it is not real? What exactly is loss?

Loss can best be described as a feeling, that something in your life is different, perhaps gone. The loss usually refers to something or someone that is gone permanently out of your life. This feeling typically has a negative connotation. Perhaps even one that you are not able to explain logically. So far in my life the hardest challenge that I have faced is grieving the loss of someone who is still alive. As a child, teenager or young adult such a thought would have never crossed my mind. Now, not a day goes by that I do not think about it. 

I have many roles in my life, daughter, sister, friend, granddaughter, wife, mother, counselor and the list goes on. Currently I find myself as a one of two primary caregivers for my mother (the other is my brother). She is a stage 5 dementia patient and our struggle is real every single day. I walk into my den and she looks like my mom, she sounds like my mom. But my mom is trapped somewhere deep inside, no longer having the ability to fight back. 

Gone are the long phone conversations we had every single day, gone are the shopping excursions to our favorite stores, gone are the late afternoon lunches and gone are trips to sporting events and vacations. 

Our afternoons consist of the same questions that she asks everyday. Do you like your job? Was your day good? Have you talked with the boys? And as soon as I answer, she will ask the same 3 questions over and over. It’s our family's version of Groundhog Day. Skills we take for granted: dressing oneself, remembering to take one’s medicine, climbing into bed, changing clothes, walking with a steady gait, turning on a stove to cook, driving, all vanished in a matter of a few months.

The official name of this phenomenon  is Ambiguous Grief. Ambiguous loss is when someone we love, with whom we have a deep, bonded relationship with is still physically alive, but not psychologically present. Reasons for such drastic behavioral changes could be caused from an addiction, dementia, Alhziemher’s or mental illness. The reality of this existence of a loved one is difficult to accept. One still cares and deeply loves this person, but in my case I am no longer the child, I am the parent. Making important decisions for medical, financial and personal care. That role is not taught to us, it is not wanted, but it happens and one needs to prepare for the possibility. I was not prepared.

I yearn to have my mom back, I yearn with all my heart. I had to fight through the stages of  resentment and anger. I have passed those stages, most days, and I have come to appreciate the new role God has placed in my life. I call on his help, his wisdom and his peace often. It is with his help and love that we will love our mom through this and be her steady hand while she is still with us on this Earth. 

This type of loss is misunderstood by many. Please do not feel as if one needs to suffer in isolation. Seek help to handle this difficult situation. Seek the guidance of a therapist that can help you through such a difficult stage of life.

Stacey Mell, APC

If you would like to schedule an appointment or donate to the Barnabas Center for Counseling, please call our office at (912) 352-7638. If you or someone you know is having suicidal thoughts please call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1 (800) 273-8255.